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Valley News and Views
Drayton , North Dakota
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June 10, 2010     Valley News and Views
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June 10, 2010
 

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Page 6 June 10, 2010 "The devil's aversion to holy water is a light matter compared with a despot's dread of a newspaper that laughs." The American Press, first printed in Mark Twain: Press Critic. Valley News & Views Valley News and Views Awarded the Animal's The Brave Norwegian Firemen Republic of Robbin's Prestigious Pullet Egg Prize For Peanut the Hamster Story The Valley News and Views was notified in late may that it would be receiving the Animal Republic of Robbin's prestigious "Pullet Egg" Award, for Excellence in Journalism. The award was being given for the newspaper's coverage of the rescue of Peanut the Hamster, which was covered in last year's Christmas edition. General Haggis M. Lee, President of the Republic, handed out the award after a short speech. In the speech he noted that he really liked the part where they used the stethoscope to try to find Peanut who was lost somewhere in the basement wall at the Carol and Wayne Grzadzieleski residence. He went on to say that the story was, "very exciting," and he really likes happy endings. The Pullet Egg Award is something new in the Republic and was concocted by Woodrow Woodchuck who thought it would add a little bit of credibility and prestige to the newly formed Republic, which tends to pattern itself after our democratic republic. When asked why a pullet egg, Woodrow told VNV reporters that, "it sounded a lot like Pulitzer, but was more oval." One must understand that sometimes the logic used in the Republic is a little different than our own. Vinny Mouse, the Republic's Director of Science and Technology also made a short speech. In his speech he noted that rodents everywhere were moved by the story and thought it brought them closer to an understanding between humans and rodents. When asked if he thought rodents would quit sneaking into houses, going to the bathroom in cabinet drawers and ripping to shreds everything in their path, in search of food, he said, "he thought not." "However," he continued, "he hoped that maybe people could be a little more understanding of rodents, when they do those things that are so deeply ingrained in their psyche." Vinny was then asked if he felt rodents would be equally understanding of humans setting traps for invading rodents, something so deeply ingrained in the human psyche. Vinny did not comment, butinstead askedRaySquirrel to finish the interview. Ray quickly put and end to it by saying Vinny was an idiot and that he was hungry and didn't want to talk about this stuff anymore. WoodrowWoodchuckthen quickly attempted to hand out the award, an engraved pullet egg, which in the excitement of the moment he dropped. Unfortunately the egg was not even fit for scrambling at that point. Next time around Woodrow plans to use a molded fiberglass egg, which Vinny Mouse will help to develop. The Joke that Could Cause a War Between the Skjeberg Lutheran and Teien Covenant Church Members It's All Jane Earle's Fault, She Found It - Okay, I rewrote it a little... There was dis Norwegian who went on vacation from Teien Township, all the way 'over-dere' to Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator- shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course very expensive, especially in Minnesota, and attempts to haggle the price at a shoe store in Tampa were totally unsuccessful. Finally, the Norwegian, who we'll call Ole, yelled out in anger, "yust keep your darn shoes. If that's how it's going to be den I'll yust get myself a boat, go out into da swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!" The owner of the store just shook his head, looking stupidly at him, "Okay," CROSSWORD Little Lars and Ole Contemplate the Devil Little Ole and Lars were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. he said, "and give my best regards to those Swedes who were here earlier. They're already out there trying to do just that." Ole ran to a local marina and rented a boat. He headed out into the swamp, hoping to get a gator before dose crazy svedes got one. After an hour or so, he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them holding a spear and pointing at the water. "Dat must be da Swedes," Ole said out loud, to himself. Suddenly there was movement in the water and an alligator swam toward one of the Swedes. The Swede, was standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When it got close enough, the Swede stuck his spear Little Ole said to little Lars, "What do you tink about all dat Satan stuff?." Little Lars replied, "Vell, you know how Santa Claus turned out... It's probably yust your Dad." into the gator, and with a fair amount of fighting he wrestled the beast onto the land, where there was a big pile of deceased gators. The Swede turned the gator on his back and examined it's feet closely. He finally turned to the other Swede and said in disgust, 'gees Lars, deres no damn! shoes on dis one either!" Big Things That Aren't Made Out of Jello Okay, I'm really struggling for a theme this week. If you scrutinize the word list you'll see that very few of the items listed below are, or ever have been, made of jello. Just for fun, see if you can come up with some more. By the way, one of them kinda, sorta doesn't belong there. Can you figure it out? Solution on Page g AS SOAHVONWI I ARU ONDUCUOLRSETOSS SKUMI E I TOMCLBSP ETEONNASNOGWADS SURUASONNARYTHR TSCNTRKTDTHMTNW TA J T I U I YVENPLTA KWUATN I LSTOxEAE ERPI EREONCTSSLD OTINDOOwDERBHTE METESMKUoEEAI RO NLEEHIUYVWSRPTE WORTVl K INGSAXET OYUTSONYYUE PYI R TEATTUEoBNDYHEO Battleship Bus Continent Dessert Elephant Jupiter Moose Mountain Ocean Redwood Skyscraper Texas Titanic Tokyo Tyrannosaurus Universe Vikings Whale Courtesy of Jane Earle One dark night just outside Vergas, Minnesota, the home of the world's largest loon, a fire started inside a nearby chemical plant; and, in a blink, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'l of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ..... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a superhuman feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave Norsk fire fighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Veil," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da furst thing ve have to do is fix da gosh-darn brakes on dat */-!@> truck!" Antioxidants Act Like Superheroes Our bodies naturally producesome protective chemicals, but the process isn't 100 percent effective, and it declines with age. Scientists say that some of the best sources for antioxidants are certain foods we eat. If you are looking for more disease-fighting antioxidants add more of these foods to your diet: Berries: blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, cranberries, blackberries Beans: kidney, pinto, black Fruits: apples (with peel), avocados, cherries, grapes, plums, pineapple, pomegranates, kiwi Vegetables: artichokes, spinach, red cabbage, red and white potatoes (with peel), sweet potatoes, broccoli Beverages: green tea, coffee, red wine, fruit juices Nuts: walnuts, almonds, pistachios, pecans, hazelnuts Herbs: cloves, cinnamon, turmeric powder, ginger, dried oregano Grains: oat-based products Dark Chocolate What about antioxidant supplements? Supplements usually contain only one form of an antioxidant, while Continued From Page 4 antioxidant-rich foods contain several different forms of antioxidants. Scientists also think that the groups of antioxidants in antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables create compounds that are even more powerful working together. Enjoying a variety of fruits, vegetables, nuts and grains in the diet can have a protective effect. Besides antioxidants, fruits and vegetables provide fiber, protein, vitamins and minerals, and are low in cholesterol and saturated fat. Theme Crossword: Famous Fathers m 3 27 58 6 7 8 14 17 2I 24 29 38 46 50 54 6O 64 65 69 72 PRESENTED BY VoluateerMatch.org Where volunteering begins. / 10 32 52 61 ACROSS 1. Malicious burning 6. It can be found in Switzerland 9. Nipper or kid 13. *Daughter of Tantalus in Greek mythology 14. Neither 15. Someone who coos 16. *George H.W. Bush to Laura Bush 17. *Ben Stiller's dad Jerry starred with Mom in a comedy __ 18. For making holes 19. Bedcover fabric 21. *Charlie Sheen's and Emilio Estevez's dad 23. Campfire leftover 24. Soviet Union 25. Pine juice 28. Found on Quasimodo 30. One of Little Dipper stars 35. Ailments 37. *Clara Clemens' famous author dad 39. Belonging to them 40, Overeat 41. Twisted hairdo 43. -Ata 44. *Bart's dad 46. A flat one slows you down 47. Three- sloth 48, Arrangement 50. SNL's act 52. "Don't do this at home!" 53. Feeble I Answers on Page 10 55. Gilbert, for short 57. Filled with water 60. *Her dad was Jawaharlal Nehru 63. Animal group 64. No longer working, abbr. 66. Living thing 68. Are not 69. Charlotte of "Facts of Life" fame 70. Eskimo hut 71. Not in action 72. Monotonous sound 73. Older than tweens DOWN 1. Tropical American cuckoo 2. Fruit cover 3. More than one solo 4. *Malia and Sasha's dad 5. Fairly new 6. *Ron Howard's TV dad 7. Baseball player Gehrig 8. Formal balls 9. Show off 10. *Dale Berra's HOF dad 11. "A __ eye" 12. "To is human" 15. A treat to Bugs Bunny 20. It's famously opposable 22. Inquire about 24. Resurrect 25. Sounds of relief 26. Metallic mixture 27. Stone fruit, pl. 29. *Sam Walton was succeeded by his kids as head of Wal- 31. Online room 32. One owned by a feudal lord 33. Cupid, e.g. 34. *He raised a bunch 36. Proofreader's "disregard" word 38. *Michael Douglas' dad 42. Condescend 45. Yield 49. "Sea" in Spain 51. Small piece of food or information 54. Resin used in perfume 56. City in Belgium 57. *Beaver and Wally's dad 58. A figure skating jump 59. Cell phone characteristic 60. One part of the whole 61. Irritate 62. At another time 63. Mai 65. "Water" in French 67. Gross operating surplus full" Weekly Sudoku Solution on PagelO 8 9 1 2 7 5 pRESENYED BY DWD VolunteerMatch.org Where volunteelg begins. 9 1 35 7 8 5 9 548 3 8 8 1 7 2 9 5 6 4 Fil! tr the blank squares In fhe QrJd, making sure that every row, column an 3-by-3 fox ioclude all digif f lhrouh 9. Dream Big Dreams... Think Deep Thoughts. It isa mistake to think yu can solve any major problems just with potatoes. -Douglas Adams i I