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Valley News and Views
Drayton , North Dakota
June 17, 2010     Valley News and Views
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June 17, 2010

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Page 6 June 17, 2010 "The devil's aversion to holy water is a light matter compared with a despot's dread of a newspaper that laughs." The American Press, first printed in Mark Twain: Press Critic. Valley News & Views Your Horoscope By World Renowned Aries March 21 - April 19 You are an air breather and often have two feet. This week you may find yourself hungry. You should eat. You have a desire to make a great contribution in life. You should call Earl, 360-3005 and have your credit card ready. Taurus April 20 - May 20 Born under what is also known as the sign of the Rib- Eye, you are not as smart as you think you are. Your bullish tendencies will get you into hot water this week and leave you filled with The Ostritch Jokecourtesy of Cousin Pat, I think... rSvC|IIC A man walks into a This becomes routine ready. ~' restaurant with a full-grown until the two enter again. ostrich behind him. "The usual?" asks the Virgo The waitress asks them for waitress. August 23 - September 22 their orders. "No, this is Friday night, Right .... Poor thing, you're The man says, '~ so I will have a steak, baked not very bright and you have hamburger, fries and a coke," potato and a salad," says the a very tough week ahead of and turns to the ostrich, man. you. Some may even call it "What's yours? .... Same," says the ostrich. horrifying. You will probably "I'll have the same," says Shortly the waitress brings be attacked by something the ostrich, the order and says, "That will larger than an elephant. The A short time later the be $32.62." only way to save yourself waitress returns with the Once again the man pulls is to make a valuable order. "That will be $9.40 the exact change out of his contribution to life. You canplease." pocket and places it on the do this by calling Earl, 360-The man reaches into his table. 3005 and having your credit pocket and pulls out the The waitress cannot hold card ready, exact change for payment, backher curiosityanylonger. Libra The next day, the man and "Excuse me, sir. How do you September 23- October 22 the ostrich come again and manage to always come up the man says, '~ hamburger, with the exact change in your Go with your backup plan. fries and a coke.." pocket every time?" Avoid using gas stoves and The ostrich says, "I'll have "Well," says the man, make sure to look both ways the same.." "several years ago I was before crossing the street. Especially on Friday. Instead Again the man reaches cleaning the attic and found of investing in those stocks into his pocket and pays with an old lamp. When I rubbed you've been thinking about, exact change, it, a Genie appeared and you should make a big contribution to life. You can Ole's Last Words to His Beloved Lena do this by calling Earl, 360- Lena's husband Ole, had have been with me through 3005 and having your credit been slipping in and out of all'da bad times... When I got card ready, a coma for several months, fired from my yob, you stuck Scorpio Things looked grim, but right beside me. Den, when October 23 - November 21 she was by his bedside my business went under, every single day. One day there you dere too. When we as he slipped back into lost da house, you were dere, consciousness, he motioned and when Sven accidently for her to come close to him. shot me, you stuck with me. She pulled the chair close to Even when my health started the bed and leaned her ear failing, until now, you've close to be able to hear him. stayed right by my side." "You know" he whispered, Lena's eyes began to fill his eyes fillingwith tears, "you with tears as Ole continued remorse. You can lighten Scorpio, what can I say. your burden by making a You're inbig trouble and you great contribution to life. You know it. You have doubted can do this by calling Earl, yourself ever since your 360-3005 and having your mother told you that your credit cardready, shoe size was larger than Gemini your IQ and now you are May 21 - June 20 confronting the horrifying possibility that she might Many of your kind suffer have been right. Remember. from multiple personality the time you stuck the fork disorders and cannot be into the electrical outlet? trusted. That's because you're That was really stupid, but stupid. You can become what is about to happen to smarter in life by finding you next will make that three singleness of purpose and week stint in the hospital making great contributions seem like a birthday party. to life. You can do this by Is their any chance of saving calling Earl, 360-3005 and yourself?. Yes, but it will having your credit card require a special reading ready, from Swami Earl. You can Cancer arrange this by calling Earl, June21-July22 360-3005 and having your Like your sign, you're kind of creditcard ready. icky. Ickypeople are revolting Saggitarius and their only hope for November 22 - December 21 salvation is to make a great So close to Thanksgiving, contribution to life. You can you might just as well have do this by calling Earl, 360- been born under the sign 3005 and having your credit of the turkey. Then you'd at card ready, least have an excuse for your Leo behavior. You know that July 23 - August 22 special someone you've been Supposedly lionhearted, you thinking about? They really are actually quite timid and don't like you, they're after afraid ofeverything. Boo... ha! your best friend. Sure you Your fear of marshmallows feel bad, but you can make keeps you locked in the yourselffeelbetterbymaking basement. You seek courage, a valuable contribution to but don't yet know how" to life. You can do this by calling. acquire it. Making a bold Earl, 360-3005 and having contribution in life will help. your credit card ready. So, take heart and contribute Capricorn by calling. Earl, 360-3005. December 22 - January 19 Please have your credit card You've been feeling sorry for Some of Your Favorite Minnesota Twins Hidden away in this weeks puzzle are some of your favorite Minnesota Twins baseball players. I was going to put one in that wasn't a Twin, but I thought Aufenkamp would be too obvious. Solution on Page g G EAU NAGCR I NG ALOUAYDU NS I NGT PAT B CY UAAOG UMBWNRAHB LEOLNY SOERMRY RRB.UAAA NRUOUCTDTPUNAPS NRHEVRRNDLKIAI R ATPTVSULOuRRRAR L L LAABRB LAC I YMU EMUAARNRNSO HR AU RRCBP YKHRGR Baker Blackburn Butera Crain Cuddyer Duensing Guerrier Harris Kubel Liriano Mauer Morneau Swami Earl yourself long enough. You must learn to face up to the fact that things are never going to get any better and move on.You can compensate your hopelessness in life by making a valuable contribution to life. You can do this by calling Earl, 360- 3005 and having your credit card ready. Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Ah, the water sign: You've been complaining way too much and "your closest friends are ready to strangle you. Better be careful because they don't like you that much in the first place. So, just shut up and go take a bath. When you're finished, quit your whining and do something constructive. Make a contribution. You can do this by calling Earl, 360-3005 and having your credit card ready. Pisces February 19 - March 20 Fish suck an~ so do you! You were born under the crappiest sign of the zodiac. Like the stinky little scaley things that are so stupid they drown out of water, you wander through life in totally the wrong element. You are unique in that there is no "right" element for you, unless of course you somehow link up with a Taurus or a potato, preferably baked. Then you might at least find yourself on a table somewhere, complimented by a nice rib-eye steak. Medium rare. Potatoes Lyonaise wouldn't be that bad either.., but I digress. You need to do something and do it fast. What do you need to do? You can find out by asking Earl. You can do this by calling 360-3005 and having your credit.card ready. Pavano Punto Rauch Slowey Span Thome Tolbert Valencia Young offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.." to struggle to speak. "You know what?" Ole asked, staring off into the distance. "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. Ole took a dep breath and said, "I tink you were bad luck." tl by Chad Carpenter The Official Comic Strip of the Animal's Republic of Robbin 14~fW, TUNDP.A~X)M/'~Y, COM Theme Crossword: Leisure Games 58 m __ 6 7 m 14 m 17 24 29 n 46 5O 54 m 65 66 69 72 Where volunteering begins. 10 32 52 61 ACROSS 1. Lambert and Sandier 6. Up to the present time 9. Number one 13. Complicate or tangle 14. Before, old English 15. Drinker 16. "1 love you" or. ,,j, ,, 17. School of whales 18. Antonym of bald 19. *Pin knocking 21. First President named Franklin 23. Big head 24. Reduced Instruction Set Computer 25. He is 28. *Where you're headed in softball 30. It's best not to drive like one of these 35. Singles 37. *Do after hide 39. The present occasion 40. State of vexation 41. Spooky 43. Chow 44. Ancient Roman's garb 46. *You look for it in your poker opponent 47. European sea eagles 48. Madre 50. Includes girls and boys 52. *Not a win nor a loss 53. Up against Answers 55. Clinton Rodham 57. *Where you play croquet 60. *Badminton hitter 64. Summation 65. Felt by princess while sleeping? 67. Saints' lights 68. Positive electrode 69. Overnight stop 70. A top Formula One driver 71. Diamonds and rubies, e.g. 72. *Volleyball divider 73: Maps of city blocks, e.g. DOWN 1.. Inhabitant of Middle East 2. Type of cabinetry joint 3. Declare as true 4. European blackbird 5. *Horses or dogs pull it over snow and ice 6. Slang for safecracker 7. Distinctive period 8. Designated speed for a song, pl. 9. Wild swine 10. Narrative poem of hero's deeds 11. Withered 12. "The old college 15. *Kick it! 20. Hangman's knot 22. Communism, e.g. 24. Build anew 25. The 2010 Oscars had two ' 26. Boredom 27. Between Rive Droite and Rive Gauche 29. *Track competition, e.g. 31. End of Iditarod Trail 32. Apathetic 33. Drupelets of blackberry or raspberry 34. Burn incense, e.g. 36. Evoke emotion on Page 10 38. 1,000 grams 42. "Helen" in. Moscow 45. *What a lacrosse player does with the ball 49. An honest President? 51. Bolt 54. Unfasten 56. To be identical to 57. *"Going, going, !" 58. A-bomb particle 59. Short for radians 60. Goes with rave 61. Sky bear 62. Right coast 63. Black brews, e.g. 64. *Touch game 66. Between E and NE Weekly Sudoku Solution on Pagel0 6 5 1 2 5 9 7 8 128345 3 7 3 8 1 8 74219 4 5 1 3 2 Fill In the bleak ~,quare~ in the gtil, maRintg t~ure that every row. cdiumn and box h=cludes all digits I through 9, Dream Big Dreams... ! - It is a mistake to think you can solve