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Valley News and Views
Drayton , North Dakota
July 8, 2010     Valley News and Views
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July 8, 2010

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Page 6 July 8th, 2010 iiiil iiii!!i! ii!i!i!i!i!ii : iii:: ;zi !i!!ii!?!i!i ::'::= ,::= : :;  "The devil's aversion to holy water is a light matter compared with a despot's dread of a newspaper that laughs." The American Press, first printed in Mark Twain: Press Critic. Valley News & Views Fly Qantas Airlines, They've Never Had An Accident .... Could it be the Humor? Courtesy of Cousin Pat After every flight, Qantas pilots, like all the major airline and military pilots, fill out a form, unofficially called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form. The pilots then review the gripe sheets before the next flight. The following are reported to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (S) by the maintenance engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Suto-landnotinstalled on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back- order. P: Autopilot in altitude- hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget Sven and the Penguin.... Sven calls up Ole and says, Sven says, "Aw, Ole, dat's a "I just don't know what to very good idea!" and hangs do. I found a penguin in my up. backyard. What should I The next day, Ole goes do?" to Lake Calhoun, and what Ole says, "Wel now, why does he see but Sven walking don't you take him to de on the bike path with the zoo?" penguin by his side. U.S. Navy Warships Hidden in this puzzle are the names of some of the more familiar or famous U.S. Navy Warships, including submarines, that have appeared through the ages. Some of the names have been associated with more than one ship and more than one time period. Solution on Page  RNTOHTS PEURTZTO L S YUNA S NH E UTTT A AYKCA J P I KSNXSTN KUOCOYWS S I I CHA I L SARATOGANUAEMT XUUTKMZMGWl ARNO NO I TUT I TSNOCE I R OR I ASWORDF I SHEO ARIZONAWRASSAOT TSUL I TUANEZREGN RKTTNOOSXEMNI SA CROSSWORD Alliance Arizona Constitution Essex Hornet Lexington Maine Merrimack Midway Monitor Nautilus Nimitz Saratoga Skipjack Swordfish Thresher Wasp Yorktown Your Fortune Told $100 For a Good One I will now do psychic readings for your plants and pets. Swami Earl - 701-360-3005 "Sven," he says, "I t'ought I told you to take dat penguin to de zoo." "Veil," says Sven, "I did, and we had so much fun dat I t'ought I'd take him for a walk around de lakes." Alien Trap Count For the Week July 1 - July 7 . 63 Stuff In My Mind A Dog's Point of View by Little Jimmy, VNV's Editor of Stuff As the new Editor of stuff even Sam's... "what, I can't say for the Valley News andViews, that????" I take my job very seriously. I Anyway, when I smell liketoremindmyselffromtime these things I always remind to time of something my new myself that, "this is some of assistant, Ion Paschka used to the stuff that stuff is made of." tell me. He'd say, "Jimmy, just Sometimes I find it perplexing take a look around you and to say that and sometimes I always remember that stuff, is don't. Of course, I'm a dog, so the stuff that stuff is made of." things don't have to make that Of course, I've never met much sense to me. Especially Ion before, but if he had not every time. My attention actually said it, that statement span is fairly short, so a lot of would have had a profound times I don't know what I just impact on my life, which it thought, anyway. But it's still does, even though he didn't fun. say it, but he could have and I also like to bark at stuff. that's important. Of course, I like to bark at cats, cars, I'm a dog and can think this sounds, fin cans, people and way even if it doesn't make allsortsofstuff.AlotoffimesI sense, like to bark at nothing at all. I think maybe I'm going Sometimes I find myself to coin that statement as, barking at nothing and say to "Jimmy's Theory of Stuff." myself, "Jimmy, what in the It is really, a theory of world are you barking at?" everything. I think Einstein ThenIsaytomyself,"Ihave missed this very important no idea, I think I forgot," but I aspect when he was trying keep on barking, because .... I to develop his unification don'tknowwhy...Iguessljust theory. I thought of it when I like to. was going to the bathroom on There, now you know a tire. Maybe he should have something about me. I'd like tried that. Anyway, let me tell to know more about you. You you about some of the stuff I should write me in care of this like to do. paper and let me know the I've always loved to smell kind of stuff you like to smell stuff, like fires, trees and and bark at. Sometimes I like shrubs, fences, bones, dirt, to scratch myselftoo. Tundra by Chad Carpenter The Official Comic Strip of the Animal's Republic of Robbin Little Ole and His Bowels "I can say all my entrails," little Ole announce proudly to his mother upon coming home from school. "You what?" echoed mama Lena. ',E,I,O, and U," little Ole answered. "I think is sounds much nicer to say entrails than bowels." Ole the Auto Mechanic Ole was a newly employed mechanic at Knut's Auto. A customers keys had been accidently locked in their car and he was frantically trying to to unlock the driver's side door, when the customers, Thorvald and Inga Svenson arrived. They watched from the passenger sideof the car, as Ole cursed and tried to work a wire down inside the door. A s Thorvald was watching, he decided to try the door handle on the passenger side and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey, Ole," he called out, "Dis door is open!" "Ya, I know," Ole yelled back impatiently, "I already got dat side." ......... o you .w  i ....... ' . lltlt111 .... Ulll I]ll ..... , ,:Y:7;,', 7?,, ,1 I There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by somethiflg even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -Douglas Adams - "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" Theme Crossword: Teen Idols Answers on Page 10 m 3 4 6 7 8 14 17 27 29  l 46 i 4 1 "o 59 'l 67_  67 73 PRESENTED BY Where volunteering begins. 10 11 : 12 32 34 I 52" ||I 62 63 64 co-star 61. *He played a Partridge 65. Queen's headdress 66. *He also starred in "Rebel Without a Cause" 68. Lowest Hindu caste 69. Pertaining to osmium 70. Be in debt 71. Girder with "1" cross section 72. Dignified manner 73. Church seat 74. Cardinal compass points at 90 degrees DOWN 1. Its target is sometimes the back 2. List of chores 3. *Nominated for "Happy Days," Henry Winkler didn't win this 4. Single-cell protozoan 5. Electrical current generator 6. Some were wanted this way in old West 7. To do what is human? 8. Chocolate tree 9. Angler's decoy 10. "Summertime" of 30. Responsible for lighting on movie set 35. Caricatured 37. *"Growing Pains" idol 39. Hiya or howdy 40. "The Vampire Chronicles" author 41 .Like days gone by 43. More luminous star 44. One from Croatia 46. Legendary actress Turner 47. "Cream" guitarist 48. Painful consequence of heavy lifting 50. Be agitated 52. __ Wednesday 53. Chowder ingredient 55. *Frank Sinatra's Pack 57. *Frankie Avalon's 7 m T !5! 65 i 69 72 ACROSS 1. Place or position 6. Follows Nov. 9. Concerning those not members of clergy 13. *"The Who's" 1969 album 14. Victorian period, e.g. 15. Like a teddy bear 16. Men in advertising 17. Bow shape 18. Between Pisces and Taurus 19. *"NSYNC," e.g. 21. Alongside each other 23. Mon cher 24. Belonging to you 25. *Many young fans were shocked when The Beatles did it 28. Edible pod Porgy and Bess, e.g. 11. Wraths 12. Abnormal body growth 15. "1976 iconic poster girl 20. Maker of radio- controlled toys 22. Pester or annoy 24. Either end of the yard on a sail boat 25. Cooler clime conifer 26. It's found on many churches 27. Interior designer's field 29. Small stream 31. Archaic for "temple" 32. Plant life 33. *a.k.a. "The King" 34. House pest 36. "1950s rebel 38. Bingo-like game 42. Nigerian monetary unit 45 .... Toe 49. It stands for "altitude" 51. Famous collie 54. "The Tortoise and the Hare" author 56. Japanese sabre guard 57. A-bomb particle 58. Inconclusive 59. *Landon, Jackson and d. Fox all had the same one 60. *She starred as Joanie who loved Chachi 61. Ball of yarn 62. The 15th of March, May, July or October 63. Curse substitute 64. Thanksgiving tubers 67. "Shock and _ " Weekly Sudoku Solution on Page 10 I Where voluntrtng begins. 6 1 7 2 4 3 2 5 4 9 6 3 7 7 9 6 3 8 8 1 3 3 8 4 Fgl in he bLnk squares In the grkl, making ur that eve row, cotmn and box tnctllde$ l# dgJts  thtoth [I, Dream Big Dreams... Think Deep Thoughts.