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Drayton , North Dakota
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August 26, 2010     Valley News and Views
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August 26, 2010
 

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Page 6 August 26th, 2010 "The devil's aversion to holy water is a light matter compared with a despot's dread of a newspaper that laughs." The American Press, first printed in Mark Twain: Press Critic. Valley News & Views They Could Have Said It Gooder We apologize for the error visit the cemetery where in last week's paper in which famous Russian and Soviet we stated that Mr Arnold composers, artists, and Dogbody was a defective in writers areburieddailyexcept the police force. We meant, of Thursday. course, that Mr Dogbody is a (sign in a Moscow Hotel) detective in the police farce. Ladies are requested not to (Correction Notice in have children at the bar. the Ely Standard, a British(sign in a Norwegian newspaper) cocktail lounge) Teeth extracted by the We are sorry to announce latest methodists, that Mr Albert Brown has (Hong Kong dental been quite unwell, owing to advertisement) his recent death, and is taking Four people were killed, a short holiday to recover. one seriously, and eight more (Parish Magazine) received slightinjuries. Men, I want you just (]apan Timesarticle) thinking of one word all Mattie's Restaurant and season. One word and one Yogurt Palace, 'Tkn alternative word only: Super Bowl. to Good Eating" (BillPeterson, football (Restaurant Business Card coach) from Decatur, Texas) The Lybian army is capable You are welcome to of destroying America and breaking its nose. (Muammar Qaddafi) Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war? (Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named) Passive activity income doesnotincludethe following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity. (IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation) You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing. (IRS Training Manual for tax auditors) Please provide the date of your death. (from an IRS letter) Something to Be Voting This Fall Considered Before Courtesy of Cousin Pat Is the Republic Investing in Fine Art Or Garbage? With economic circumstances being what they are, the Animal's Republic has decided to invest in fine art, as a hedge against economic calamity. The picture at left is their first investment, called, "Sheep Waiting for a Bus," by the obscure Dutch artist, U.N. Known. Experts say this wasn't actually a sheep, but a goat While walking down the and in evening dress. They The senator reflects for street one day a US senator run to greet him, shake his a minute, then he answers: is tragically hit by a truck and hand, and reminisce about"Well, I would never have dies. the good times they had said it before, I mean heaven His soul arrives in heaven while getting rich at thehas been delightful, but I and is met by St. Peter at the expense of the people, think I would be better offin entrance. They play a friendly hell." "Welcome to heaven," saysgame of golf and then So St. Peter escorts him St.Peter."Beforeyousetflein, dine on lobster, caviar and to the elevator and he goes it seems there is a problem, champagne, down, down, down to hell. We seldom see a high official Also present is the devil, Now the doors of the around these parts, you see, who really is a very friendly elevator open and he's in so we're not sure what to do guy who has a good time the middle of a barren land with you." dancing and telling jokes, covered with waste and "No problem, just let me They are having such a good garbage. in," says the man. time that before he realizes He sees all his friends, "Well, I'd like to, but I have it, it is time to go. dressed in rags, picking up orders from higher up. What Everyone gives him a the trash and putting it in we'll do is have you spend hearty farewell and wavesblack bags as more trash falls one day in hell and one in while the elevator rises.., from above. heaven.Thenyoucanchoose The elevator goes up, up,The devil comes over to where to spend eternity."up and the door r eopens him and puts his arm around "Really, I've made up on heaven where St. Peter is his shoulder. my mind. I want to be i nwaiting for him. "I don't understand," heaven," says the senator. "Now it's time to visit stammers the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our heaven." "Yesterday I was here and rules." So, 24 hours pass with there was a golf course And with that, St . Peterthe senator joining a group and clubhouse, and we ate escorts him to the elevator of contented souls movinglobster and caviar, drank and he goes down, down, from cloud to cloud, playing champagne, and danced down to hell. The doors the harp and singing. They and had a great time. Now open and he finds himselfhave a good time and, before there's just a wasteland full in the middle of a green golf he realizes it, the 24 hours of garbage and my friends course. In the distance is a have gone by and St. Peter look miserable. What clubhouse and standing inreturns, happened?" front of it are all his friends "Well, then, you've spentThe devil looks at him, and other politicians whoa day in hell and another in smiles and says, "Yesterday had worked with him. heaven. Now choose your we were campaigning... Everyone is very happy eternity." Today youvoted." by Chad Carpenter and none other than the The Official Comic Strip of the Animal's Republic of Robbin General's internet girlfriend, Svetlana. This of course, has Countries Whose Names Have a stirred up some controversy [ [ WHE PEUGUr Letter in It as some, especially Ray 50 TO HEEAVEt Solution on Page 9 Squirrel, are complainIng that the painting is worht Okay, so it isn't the greatest theme in the world, but I'm a little pressed for time tonight. If you're so smart, then what are their capitals? !AWAGYNX EADHTAN K IIOGNGDDINOANIRR VDAL AANNOINAAE AND NFNDAAIMRSR LOEOGMUITLN NTE SDNALREHTENNNLA ODEUADNXDNVIA GNDSNNDNIA EFIP UCETDACANCUGFYD YAWRONPODNONRNC RNSIASEANNAAAAS RNCATGAMJGALNMA CGAGXDKPNMOACRA MPCCESAMNPDAEEA SMDTGCRRAASDCGI Argentina Austria Canada Congo Denmark England Finland France Germany Honduras Japan Mexico Netherlands Norway Poland Spain Sweden Yugoslavia Honest and Hard Working Well, Hai d Woi-k;i 9... Okay, A Busy Body Earl the Penguin in 2010 for President Animal's Republic of Robbin "Don't let dishonest politicians rip you off. Let me do it instead!" less and the only reason it was purchased was because it featured the General's squeeze. Regardless, the painting will be on display at the Valley News andViews office, through October. Come in and check it out. born alike - except Republicans 5WELL. A5 IF OhlE PAIR OF USELE55 WII~IG5 WASI4'T ~, ,, ,,, (~rua~,R,, aOlO"~" " and Democrats." -Groucho Marx Theme Crossword: Back to School Answers m m 17 24 29 m m m 46 m 54 m 64 65 69 72 m m PRESENTED BY 3 Where volunteering begins. 27 64. Gorilla or orangutan 66. Type of fairy 68. Pay hike 69. Morning condensation 70. Boredom 71. Dollar bills 72. *June marks the school year's __ 73. Kelly Ripa's TV partner DOWN 1." It Be" 2. *First thing to hit you when entering a locker room 3. It can make a great swing 4. Neighbor of Carthage, Tunisia 5. Protection from a sword? 6. *Arithmetic operation 7. It is applied before feathers 8. Like a good athlete? 9. Wildly 10. *Given in roll call 11. Ivan the Terrible, e.g. 12. Senator's abbreviation 15. *Inverse function of tan 20. Like gelled hair 22. Not new or borrowed or blue 24. Small nut-bearing tree common in Europe 25. Galley slaves 26. Derived from gold 27. Spam destination 29. Bruce and Spike, e.g. 31. *Function to convert large number to a small integer 32. Kobe Bryant, e.g. 33. In a cold manner 34. *Gift for teacher 36. Butter substitute 38. Hindu woman's dress 42. Plural of basso 45. Salt of iodic acid 49. Island flower necklace 51. *Famous 1970s TV teacher 54. Wesley Snipes' 1998 movie 58 ACROSS 1. India's sacred flower 6. *Parent-involvement organization 9. Marching insects? 13. Novelist Wharton 14. Jet 15. Astonish 16. Gateway to Japanese temple 17. Uniform Resource Identifier 18. Times New 19. *A welcome break 21. *Personal storage 23. " the President's Men" 24. *Arts & crafts material 25. Benatar or Boone, e.g. 28. Cold cuts store 30. Elizabeth Short, a.k.a. The Black 35. EU money 37. Unagi, pl. 39. African American civil rights organization 40. *Non-written exam 41. Shish 43. "to My Lou" 44. One born to Japanese immigrants 46. "Will be," as sung by Doris Day 47. A devilish place 48. *"Be True to Your "by The Beach Boys 50. Strategic board game 52. "The Catcher in the 53. *Student loan, e.g. 55. Distress call 57. A small part 60. *E.B. White's Stuart 63. Brimless cap on Page 10 56. *Can break your bones, singular 57. *Head of a college 58. Fourth largest Great Lake 59. She was a d'Urberville 60. Raunchy 61. Like a maxi skirt 62. Small ladies' handbag 63. *Boys' nickname for each other 65. *Not allowed when taking SAT 67. Her counterpart Weekly Sudoku Solution on Page 10 VolunteerMatch.org inhere volunt~erirtg begirt, 1 9 7 5 3 59 4 5 47 2 8 5 9 9 5 3 6 8 4 1 2 6 Fgt in file bla,~k squares in ~e grid, making sure that crecy tow, ~umn ~ 3Joy-3 bOX Irt~.lde$ ~1# d~gf~ I throL~ g. Points to Ponder It only stands to reason that, anyone informed that the universe is expanding and contracting in pulsations of eighty billion years, certainly has a right to ask, "What's in it for me? ....